From the Heart: Body Image

The Woman in the Mirror

I woke up this morning all smiles.  Life has been GREAT. I've been watching what I eat and basically staying out of diet trouble, so the first thing to cross my mind was... "I'm going to love what the scale says today!"  And after I weighed myself, I was ecstatic.  The scale was the lowest it's been since baby #5, and I felt beautiful and confident.

When I take a step back, and review the above scenario from the outside looking in, I can't help but do a double take.  Not long ago, after going through a really stressful couple of weeks, I was TERRIFIED to step on the scale.  I'd wake up in the morning and tell myself that I wasn't even going to think about stepping on the scale to see what damage I had done... but no matter how hard I tried to avoid it... I'd always weigh in anyway.

On the days that I weigh more and the scale confirms it, I feel disgusted... frustrated... irritated and discouraged. 

It's a fact that throughout the day, I am constantly plagued with thoughts surrounding my body image.  "How much do I weigh this morning?"  "Make sure breakfast is on the diet."  "How thin do I look in this outfit?" "Oh gosh... my arms look HUGE..."  I pick out a part of my body that's not perfect in my eyes, and I'm downright mean to myself. 

There is no way that I'd think those things about another person... but when it comes to myself, anything less than perfect is failure.

I have to wonder... why do I even care so much about how I look?  Heck... there was once a period in time when it was attractive to be a little chubby. Boy, do I wish we still had that mentality... It would be no holds barred with me and chocolate on a regular basis... that's for sure! 

Honestly, though... what's the big deal anyway?  My husband finds me to be extremely attractive, and people are constantly telling me that I'm a beautiful and talented woman.  That should be all that really matters, right? 

WRONG...at least society conditions us to think otherwise.  Ever since I was a little girl, I was conditioned to think a certain way based on the movies I've watched, the books I've read, and the friend's I have encountered... 

Heck just take a look at the mentality many men have toward women and the perfect size 6... or is it now the perfect size 4???  In our society, it seems as though you have to be practically showing your skeleton to be seen as the "perfect size," and essentially... to be considered beautiful. 

My goal is, and has been... to fight the current culture and be happy with who I am... in the size I am... and know that I am loved and lovable regardless of my latest pants size.

The funny thing is that as I'm writing this... knowing my success of this morning... I'm still stealthily sabotaging my healthy day by eating a handful of mini Kit Kats and Heath bars that my Father-in-Law bombed my house with this evening.

I tried to say no, but... well... *sigh*  I can only be strong for soooo long... and, we all know that my ability to control myself when my stress o'meter is off the charts is pretty much zilch. 

My promise to myself?  Tomorrow morning, I will NOT step on the scale, and I'll hope that my in-law's don't sabotage my diet any further with their visit. (And yes... it is THEIR responsibility for me making poor food choices... it most certainly couldn't be MY fault, now could it? ;) 

In the meantime, I'm realizing that the best way to stabilize my body image is summed up in one word... balance.  (And I say this only after I've eaten about a dozen mini Heath bars.  *sigh* )  Some day... I'll learn.   :)