Monday, March 10, 2014

A Letter to the FDA Requesting Warning Labels on all Girl Scout Cookie Boxes

Suggested Warning Label
ATTN:  FDA  (Food and Drug Administration)

To Whom it May Concern,

A serious problem has overtaken our nation, and I URGENTLY request that you help take control of this situation as soon as is humanly possible before complete and utter desperation overtakes our nation's population of diet-breakers.

I beg you to SERIOUSLY look into WHY Girl Scout cookies do NOT come with a warning label? I mean... COME ON!  They are HIGHLY addictive and should be labeled as such.

Here is my suggested warning:
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING:  Girl Scout cookies are highly addictive.  May cause immediate irrational spending, euphoric out of body experience, erratic behavior, sugar rushes, bloating, weight gain and serious regret.   
Keep out of reach of chronic diet-breakers.
I ask you, Sir/Madam... are there really no regulations on these types of things?  Think about it.  They're practically IMPOSSIBLE to pass up.

Shouldn't there be a law in place to protect all of us innocent diet-breakers who are simply TRYING to eat CLEAN?

Talk about a seemingly HARMLESS organization taking EXREME advantage of a full-fledged minority... or... actually... in this case... a better word would probably be... majority.

It should simply be illegal for these tiny snipers in the 'guise' of cute little girls to ambush our good intentions.  Because even if we didn't break our diets by buying the cookies at the store, and even if we RESISTED driving across town to the nearest Girl Scout cookie stand, we are STILL subjected to being tempted and attacked on our own private territory.

Still don't understand my urgency?

Well... imagine this...

One afternoon, right around the time you're just DYING for a treat, you hear a knock.  You open the front door, expecting the UPS man, but... instead of a burly guy in brown shorts and a button up, there... standing cute as can be... is a little girl dressed in brown.   She looks up with her cute pixie face, holding an irresistible box of Thin Mints.  SABOTAGE!

Now, you KNOW you don't have any immediate cash lying around, but in all honesty... how could you POSSIBLY say no to this little angel?  And on top of it... how could you even THINK of making that poor lonely ole box of cookies feel alone and unwanted?

NOT. EVEN. An option.

So... you ask her to wait for a minute as you rush back inside and begin ransacking the junk drawers, the night stands, the bathroom counters, the laundry room... HECK... you EVEN search through all the pockets of the dirty pants in all the hampers around the house.

At one point, you've got yourself down to your elbows digging past the cushions, into the seemingly bottomless pit of the couch, searching amongst the cookie crumbs and lost pencils for that loose change that MUST have fallen in amongst the debris.

In one final DESPERATE attempt, you rush out the back door to the park across the street and shamelessly snatch the remaining dollar out of the public fountain.

PROUD of yourself for returning victoriously from your rabid hunt, you pay the child with your mixed pile of coins, grab the box of Thin Mints, give her a soft pat on the head and immediately retreat back into the house.

Now that you're ALONE with the Thin Mints, your tummy is rumbling like never before, and your favorite show is all queued up on Netflix, ready for you to just push play.

You snuggle into your couch, open the box, take a GOOD whiff of the irresistable chocolate mintyness, make a plan to eat only three or four of the cookies, push play and take your first glorious bite.

One hour later, the show is over, and the box is empty.  WAIT!  THE BOX IS EMPTY???

WOAH!  How did THAT happen?  Who came in and ate ALL those cookies while you were lost in the show?  You're in shock, and terrified all at once.  KNOWING an intruder MUST be in your house, your trigger finger is set and ready to dial 9-1-1.

But suddenly, you feel it.  A full stomach.  An INTENSE sugar rush.  And then you know what REALLY happened... the mindless zombie-like you took over and ate the ENTIRE box while you were lost in the movie.  ENTER the regret.  *sigh*

So, on behalf of all diet-breakers everywhere.  I fervently beg you to seriously consider requiring large warning labels on all boxes of Girl Scout Cookies.

It's not fair.  It's not just.  It's clearly a COMPLETE violation of our basic human rights!

I fully intend to follow this email with a request to the Supreme Court asking the court to consider creating a law against little girls who sabotage our community and to charge anyone in violation with this misdemeanor... "Aiding and abetting to the delinquency of a diet-breaker."

It would behoove you to act swiftly, so you can be the first government entity to address this nation's epidemic problem.

Thank you for your consideration.  I anxiously await your reply.

Respectfully yours,

Michelle Hillaert
The Diet-Breaker Queen

P.S.  While I was writing this letter, I, myself, was sabotaged and there is now an empty box of Thin Mints by my computer.  PLEASE put an immediate END to this INSANE MADNESS.

DISCLAIMER:  I do NOT have any real issues with Girl Scout cookies.  I have a ton of Troop Leader Mom friends and they ROCK!  And so do their little girls :)   Just don't be temptin' me with those boxes of irresistable yumminess :)