Friday, July 12, 2013

When the numbers just don't add up

Okay... I admit it... I'm addicted to my scale.  I know I'm only supposed to weigh once a week/month... but I just simply can't help it!  I've been soooo good lately, and when I'm being a good girl, and I see the numbers on the scale go down, it's like getting this huge pat on the back.  "Hey!  You did it!  GOOD GIRL!" (And yes... I enjoy a good pat on the back when I've done something right!  :)

Over the years, the number on the scale has sadly become my "Happy Meter."  When the number goes down, I become elated...  I know I'm going to have an amazing day and life is just good!  BUT... on the flip side... when the number goes up... I tend to feel down... and negative thoughts of failure flood my mind and give me a rough start to the day.

It sounds silly?  Right?  To let your mood be determined by the number on a scale?  From the outside, yes it does.  It is terribly silly.  And I whole-heartedly admit it!  But when you have a lifetime behind you filled with fears of 'getting fat.'  And you've been putting a good chunk of your self worth into whether or not you have a few extra pounds on you...  followed with that fear of becoming 'unloveable'... it's just not so easy to retrain the mind and the emotional reaction that follows.

I have nine biological sisters, most of whom have struggled with being very overweight over the years... my mom too.  And no.  Not once have I looked at my sisters and thought... "Man... she'd be beautiful if she only lost some weight."  And if ANYONE dared to make such a comment to any of them... I swear... I'd whip out all this Combat I've been learning on 'em in less than a second!  I LOVE my sisters and think they are beautiful.  So why the double-standards when it comes to me?

If you look at me and think... "She's skinny... she's beautiful... she needs to stop talking about her weight."  Maybe you're right, but first listen.  I know that it has frustrated my sisters quite a bit over the years to hear me talking about feeling "fat".  But you HAVE to understand something.  That just because a person isn't over-weight on the outside doesn't mean that we don't struggle just as much on the inside.  

Yes.  I'm TERRIFIED of gaining weight.  I have had so many love affairs with food in the past.  And although I've finally found a lifestyle that will help me to stay healthy and active, I can't just say "STOP!" to those fears and expect them to immediately cease and desist from invading my life.

As I mentioned above, lately, I've been doing pretty darn well.  My inches are down and my body has been forming muscles where no muscle has dared to go before.  But this morning, when I stepped on the scale, I was UP three pounds.  And that's a number that has been going up for a few weeks.  So given my history, you can imagine the immediate and automatic feeling of sadness that swept over me.

But here's the thing... I KNOW that those numbers should not matter.  It's SO hard for me to retrain my brain to remember that muscle weighs more than fat!  Yes!  I feel good in my skin... in fact... I've been feeling pretty great!  And compared to me back in September... I think I look pretty darn amazing.  But my physical reaction to that number is still the same.  Scale goes up... negative feelings take over.

I've been debating getting rid of my scale... or at least having my hubby hide it for awhile.  Because this isn't good for me... and I know it!  Believe it or not, I'm really embarrassed to share this stuff ... but I can't help but think that I'm not the only one out there who feels this way.

So please remember... just because someone is active in fitness and trying to eat right, it doesn't mean that we don't share the same heartaches and fears, and that those feelings aren't valid.

This is a journey.  And I've said it before... it's a very personal journey for me.  It doesn't matter how fit I become, or how healthy I eat.  I. Am. ME.  This won't change.  I'll have to battle these fears.  I'll have to struggle to stay on the wagon.  But the fact is... I'm doing it.  And with that, overall, I really do have a great sense of peace!  I just have these little battles here and there that I still have to fight!

That being said... I can only hope that by becoming a little more transparent with these struggles, that maybe I can help someone else to find peace with themselves... or at least to help you realize that you are not alone.


  1. I get on my scale every damned day. I have the same love/hate relationship you do... BUT in the opposite - I find that when it is up higher than I like, my ass gets moving again!! Today it hit 244 (241 is my low weight since uh 8th grade or so... ugh!) and I hate it. Therefore today's caloric intake has been a protein shake for breakfast, baked chicken (3oz) for a snake... and I will have a salad for lunch... Dinner is still in the air, but it is Friday!

    I will also be hitting the gym tomorrow morning, today is an off day... But, I know when the scale goes over 250, that I hit the gym DAILY...

    We all have our tests, the scale is also mine... grr!

    1. Angie, thanks for sharing back :) It's frustrating to be in a constant cycle of gaining and losing weight. I've been there off and on all of my life. I've never been at a place where I've actually gained weight... and not had it be inches before. I mean... I know it can happen... have heard other people talk about it... but never been an issue for me. So it's hard not to panic... Ahhh... wouldn't it be nice if we could just tell ourselves not to worry, and have ourselves actually listen? LOL

  2. I want to encourage you that what you are feeling is natural. I have the same terror. I did reap my judgment of my mom who is very overweight. I struggled for so long to stay at a certain weight. All through my teens and young adult years I managed it but health problems just made it out of control. I look back at pictures where I thought I was fat and think good grief how dumb was I? But I wasn't I was stuck in a trained response. Praying for God's healing over your heart as you struggle through learning a new way of thinking.

    1. Thanks, Brandi! I appreciate the prayers for healing :) It's so hard to rewire a brain that has been trained to think a certain way for an entire lifetime... even though it's myself that has trained me to feel that way. Hopefully you can also find that same healing in your own life. :)

  3. Thank you for sharing this!!!! You are like my mental twin when it comes to this stuff and the scale,I am terrified of it. You are beautiful inside and out :)

    1. Thank you for your kind words, Marykate!! I've really enjoyed having the chance to reconnect with you lately :) It's so comforting to know that I'm not the only one out there that really struggles with these little battles. Hopefully we can help each other to overcome them. I'm just about 10 months into my journey through Beachbody now, and I can honestly say that every month, it gets just a little bit better. :)