When the numbers just don't add up

Okay... I admit it... I'm addicted to my scale.  I know I'm only supposed to weigh once a week/month... but I just simply can't help it!  I've been soooo good lately, and when I'm being a good girl, and I see the numbers on the scale go down, it's like getting this huge pat on the back.  "Hey!  You did it!  GOOD GIRL!" (And yes... I enjoy a good pat on the back when I've done something right!  :)

Over the years, the number on the scale has sadly become my "Happy Meter."  When the number goes down, I become elated...  I know I'm going to have an amazing day and life is just good!  BUT... on the flip side... when the number goes up... I tend to feel down... and negative thoughts of failure flood my mind and give me a rough start to the day.

It sounds silly?  Right?  To let your mood be determined by the number on a scale?  From the outside, yes it does.  It is terribly silly.  And I whole-heartedly admit it!  But when you have a lifetime behind you filled with fears of 'getting fat.'  And you've been putting a good chunk of your self worth into whether or not you have a few extra pounds on you...  followed with that fear of becoming 'unloveable'... it's just not so easy to retrain the mind and the emotional reaction that follows.

I have nine biological sisters, most of whom have struggled with being very overweight over the years... my mom too.  And no.  Not once have I looked at my sisters and thought... "Man... she'd be beautiful if she only lost some weight."  And if ANYONE dared to make such a comment to any of them... I swear... I'd whip out all this Combat I've been learning on 'em in less than a second!  I LOVE my sisters and think they are beautiful.  So why the double-standards when it comes to me?

If you look at me and think... "She's skinny... she's beautiful... she needs to stop talking about her weight."  Maybe you're right, but first listen.  I know that it has frustrated my sisters quite a bit over the years to hear me talking about feeling "fat".  But you HAVE to understand something.  That just because a person isn't over-weight on the outside doesn't mean that we don't struggle just as much on the inside.  

Yes.  I'm TERRIFIED of gaining weight.  I have had so many love affairs with food in the past.  And although I've finally found a lifestyle that will help me to stay healthy and active, I can't just say "STOP!" to those fears and expect them to immediately cease and desist from invading my life.

As I mentioned above, lately, I've been doing pretty darn well.  My inches are down and my body has been forming muscles where no muscle has dared to go before.  But this morning, when I stepped on the scale, I was UP three pounds.  And that's a number that has been going up for a few weeks.  So given my history, you can imagine the immediate and automatic feeling of sadness that swept over me.

But here's the thing... I KNOW that those numbers should not matter.  It's SO hard for me to retrain my brain to remember that muscle weighs more than fat!  Yes!  I feel good in my skin... in fact... I've been feeling pretty great!  And compared to me back in September... I think I look pretty darn amazing.  But my physical reaction to that number is still the same.  Scale goes up... negative feelings take over.

I've been debating getting rid of my scale... or at least having my hubby hide it for awhile.  Because this isn't good for me... and I know it!  Believe it or not, I'm really embarrassed to share this stuff ... but I can't help but think that I'm not the only one out there who feels this way.

So please remember... just because someone is active in fitness and trying to eat right, it doesn't mean that we don't share the same heartaches and fears, and that those feelings aren't valid.

This is a journey.  And I've said it before... it's a very personal journey for me.  It doesn't matter how fit I become, or how healthy I eat.  I. Am. ME.  This won't change.  I'll have to battle these fears.  I'll have to struggle to stay on the wagon.  But the fact is... I'm doing it.  And with that, overall, I really do have a great sense of peace!  I just have these little battles here and there that I still have to fight!

That being said... I can only hope that by becoming a little more transparent with these struggles, that maybe I can help someone else to find peace with themselves... or at least to help you realize that you are not alone.